The phrase "animals are people too" has always pissed me off. I'm a speciesist, because I definitely think that humans are smarter, faster and stronger than animals, and the future of everything that animal rights activists and environmentalists love about this planet depends on mankind. We're not destroying this planet by using its resources... we're saving it.
I didn't fight to the top of the food chain to eat tofurky. The phrase "vegetarian-grade-meat" is bullshit. It's not vegetarian-grade, because there's no such thing. Beef is graded as prime, choice, select or standard.
If it wasn't born, it's not meat.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Fascion tips for Fascion week.
So its fascion week in Barcelona. The German Bread & Butter brand Fascion convention has occupied plaza España like it were the Poland circa 1941. Fascionists from all over the world have come to town to check out the latest collections and trends. Now admittedly, i know absolutely fuck all when it comes to fascion. Its not so much an admission as a statement, after seeing some of the so-called trends today I'm quite proud to be a fascion gypsy. I would like to share some tips, pointers, fascion do's and don´ts with you. you're welcome.
Firstly 'CROCS' look like shit and make your feet smell.
When I see people wearing Crocs, I know immediately that we have nothing in common, and that we could never be friends or have any meaningful kind of relationship. They come in every color imaginable yet look bad with every other article of clothing ever created. The only thing that goes with Crocs is social ostracism. When it comes to shoes, there are usually three deciding factors: quality, price, and style. Some shoes are cheap and stylish, but poor quality, while others are stylish and durable, but expensive. Crocs usually go for EUR30-EUR60, which doesn't sound like much for a shoe, until you consider that what you're really paying for are melted pellets squirted into a cast-iron mold in some province in China. Crocs have the rare combination of being expensive, poor quality, and ugly. It's quite a feat for one shoe to suck this bad.
People who wear Crocs go on and on about how comfortable they are, and how it's supposedly odor resistant because it's made out of some kind of anti-bacterial foam blah blah... You know what else it's resistant to? You getting laid. Then as if the shoes weren't disgusting enough, Crocs introduced a product called "Crocs butter" that's supposed to restore that illustrious injection-molded sheen to those gaping holes they call shoes.
You know that feeling you get when you're full and slightly nauseous and you burp and you can taste the partly digested food in the back of your throat? There isn't a word in the english language to succinctly describe it, but I will henceforth refer to it as: croc-butter.
Red lipstick makes you look like a clown.
There are very few people who look good in red lipstick, and those people usually juggle for a living. Red lipstick looks horrible on most women, and all men. The bright crimson hue is an unnatural abomination pushed upon your face by cynical cosmetic industry scientists. I'm sure somewhere in a laboratory, two scientists are high-fiving each other, laughing at all the bullshit new names for shades of red they invent. There have been literally thousands of names for the same color of lipstick over the years, yet there are only about 3 shades of red: red, dark red, light red. Period. And I mean that grammatically, and not menstrually, though the context makes sense now that I think about it. They just make up names as they go along, and you suckers keep buying the same three shades of red over and over again. Here are some actual names for shades of red lipstick: berry juicy, candied apple, midnight red, love that red, volcanic red, red velvet, red reinvented, cherry desirable, opulent garnet, royal red, etc, etc. You know they're just making shit up when they start using abstract concepts like "love" and "desirable" in the name. I've predicted Revlon´s latest shades: Burgundy Beetwater Communism Redtacular and Magenta Psoriasis Cranberry Booyah!
Not even the boringest of faces deserves this kind of ridicule.
You are not a Cuban dictator.
Fidel Castro hats were made to be worn by Fidel Castro. Not hipster losers trying to look ironic. Unless you have a beard and you led a coup in 1959 to establish a Marxist socialist state in Cuba, take it the fuck off. It wouldn't even be so bad if you were Cuban, but you're not. You live in an affluent suburb and you shop at H&M.
Self-aggrandizing "hottie" shirts make you look like a bitch
There are two types of girls who buy these shirts: 13-year-old middle school brats, and 29-year-old chicks who are too tan and wear way too much lip gloss, and try desperately to look like they're younger than 29. The real problem here is that women who wear these shirts start to believe their own bullshit after a while. The shirt at the top emblazoned with the phrase "you say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing" epitomises this attitude. Guess what? It is a bad thing. Here is my unabridged definition of bitch:
Noun: Bitch (bich):
1. A miserable person who sucks all joy and happiness out of life, and makes life a little less worth living by her consistently shitty attitude. When not complaining, her drama and gossip will fill the void. He or she (but usually she) refuses to do something with a group, and will forego hanging out with said group unless they're doing something she wants to do. She will put her interest ahead of others every single time, just for the sake of being a bitch. A bitch hates fun.
"Hey guys, sorry we can't check out that cool new Brazilian restaurant, Janet is being a bitch."
2. A status you assume when you take one in the pooper while incarcerated.
3. What you become when you fail at pool, bowling, Quake, english, math, Street Fighter Alpha, etc.
4. Having a thankless job where you work lots of overtime without pay while your boss is on vacation.
5. Having to sit in the middle seat between two people in a car or plane.
6. Being last in line to get cake or ice cream at a party.
7. Crying and throwing a tantrum about something nobody gives a shit about, including you.
"I'm not going to give you $6 for my share of an $11 pizza when all I owe you is $5.50. I shouldn't have to pay extra, waaaaaah!"
8. Having a high opinion of your looks and a sense of entitlement when people compliment you. Your ego is usually punctuated with a "hottie" shirt, which makes you slightly less tolerable to be around than children.
9. Female dog.
The Girl who worked at the CROCS stand was wearing a bitch t-shirt. Enough said.
Remember, you heard it first here. I gotta run, i have some Gossip Girl to catch up on.
S
Firstly 'CROCS' look like shit and make your feet smell.
When I see people wearing Crocs, I know immediately that we have nothing in common, and that we could never be friends or have any meaningful kind of relationship. They come in every color imaginable yet look bad with every other article of clothing ever created. The only thing that goes with Crocs is social ostracism. When it comes to shoes, there are usually three deciding factors: quality, price, and style. Some shoes are cheap and stylish, but poor quality, while others are stylish and durable, but expensive. Crocs usually go for EUR30-EUR60, which doesn't sound like much for a shoe, until you consider that what you're really paying for are melted pellets squirted into a cast-iron mold in some province in China. Crocs have the rare combination of being expensive, poor quality, and ugly. It's quite a feat for one shoe to suck this bad.
People who wear Crocs go on and on about how comfortable they are, and how it's supposedly odor resistant because it's made out of some kind of anti-bacterial foam blah blah... You know what else it's resistant to? You getting laid. Then as if the shoes weren't disgusting enough, Crocs introduced a product called "Crocs butter" that's supposed to restore that illustrious injection-molded sheen to those gaping holes they call shoes.
You know that feeling you get when you're full and slightly nauseous and you burp and you can taste the partly digested food in the back of your throat? There isn't a word in the english language to succinctly describe it, but I will henceforth refer to it as: croc-butter.
Red lipstick makes you look like a clown.
There are very few people who look good in red lipstick, and those people usually juggle for a living. Red lipstick looks horrible on most women, and all men. The bright crimson hue is an unnatural abomination pushed upon your face by cynical cosmetic industry scientists. I'm sure somewhere in a laboratory, two scientists are high-fiving each other, laughing at all the bullshit new names for shades of red they invent. There have been literally thousands of names for the same color of lipstick over the years, yet there are only about 3 shades of red: red, dark red, light red. Period. And I mean that grammatically, and not menstrually, though the context makes sense now that I think about it. They just make up names as they go along, and you suckers keep buying the same three shades of red over and over again. Here are some actual names for shades of red lipstick: berry juicy, candied apple, midnight red, love that red, volcanic red, red velvet, red reinvented, cherry desirable, opulent garnet, royal red, etc, etc. You know they're just making shit up when they start using abstract concepts like "love" and "desirable" in the name. I've predicted Revlon´s latest shades: Burgundy Beetwater Communism Redtacular and Magenta Psoriasis Cranberry Booyah!
Not even the boringest of faces deserves this kind of ridicule.
You are not a Cuban dictator.
Fidel Castro hats were made to be worn by Fidel Castro. Not hipster losers trying to look ironic. Unless you have a beard and you led a coup in 1959 to establish a Marxist socialist state in Cuba, take it the fuck off. It wouldn't even be so bad if you were Cuban, but you're not. You live in an affluent suburb and you shop at H&M.
Self-aggrandizing "hottie" shirts make you look like a bitch
There are two types of girls who buy these shirts: 13-year-old middle school brats, and 29-year-old chicks who are too tan and wear way too much lip gloss, and try desperately to look like they're younger than 29. The real problem here is that women who wear these shirts start to believe their own bullshit after a while. The shirt at the top emblazoned with the phrase "you say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing" epitomises this attitude. Guess what? It is a bad thing. Here is my unabridged definition of bitch:
Noun: Bitch (bich):
1. A miserable person who sucks all joy and happiness out of life, and makes life a little less worth living by her consistently shitty attitude. When not complaining, her drama and gossip will fill the void. He or she (but usually she) refuses to do something with a group, and will forego hanging out with said group unless they're doing something she wants to do. She will put her interest ahead of others every single time, just for the sake of being a bitch. A bitch hates fun.
"Hey guys, sorry we can't check out that cool new Brazilian restaurant, Janet is being a bitch."
2. A status you assume when you take one in the pooper while incarcerated.
3. What you become when you fail at pool, bowling, Quake, english, math, Street Fighter Alpha, etc.
4. Having a thankless job where you work lots of overtime without pay while your boss is on vacation.
5. Having to sit in the middle seat between two people in a car or plane.
6. Being last in line to get cake or ice cream at a party.
7. Crying and throwing a tantrum about something nobody gives a shit about, including you.
"I'm not going to give you $6 for my share of an $11 pizza when all I owe you is $5.50. I shouldn't have to pay extra, waaaaaah!"
8. Having a high opinion of your looks and a sense of entitlement when people compliment you. Your ego is usually punctuated with a "hottie" shirt, which makes you slightly less tolerable to be around than children.
9. Female dog.
The Girl who worked at the CROCS stand was wearing a bitch t-shirt. Enough said.
Remember, you heard it first here. I gotta run, i have some Gossip Girl to catch up on.
S
Sunday, January 18, 2009
My name is Sebastiaan van Kuyk, and i'm a cocktail fascist. ("Hi Sebastiaan")
Hello. I feel like i owe you all an explanation, as usual. Most people might question the title of my blog nay criticize it, associating it with the common images of "fascism", that of authoritarian governments and nationalist plans of world domination and self determination. Well, i am not an authoritarian government and i do not plan on taking over the world by one-man blitzkrieg, so relax yourselves. So why the title? well because whilst i am not an authoritarian government, i am an authoritarian person, there is no democracy in my head, there is no electorate, there is just me, a single consciousness thinking what i think, believing what i believe, giving opinions and constantly scrutinizing the world around me and the people in it. For the record the word "fascist" does not imply racism, sexism, or nationalism, all it implies is authoritarianism, at least that's how i have defined it. In case you hadn't caught that i am claiming that individually we are all fascists, with a single conscious authority, acting in a self determined manner overwhelmingly in our own self interest.
So why Cocktail? Simple. Because i am an alcoholic. Just kidding, how anticlimactic would that be! Cocktail because my opinions in this blog are those which i would share in friendly company over a cocktail. I am aware that some people reading may not be in my friendly company, or not yet anyway, and that not knowing me personally might adversely affect the interpretation of comments, but its a risk I'm willing to take, and hopefully the reading of a couple blogs will shed some light on who i am and where I'm coming from. Basically, as in the opinions given over a cocktail, my opinions and musings should be taken with a rather large grain of salt, irony, and comedy. So enjoy and most importantly laugh if you feel like laughing, there is nothing healthier, and remember, the sole and only reason something is funny is because it comes at someones expense,... its human nature and one of the few tenets of the universe.
S
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